You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I have aggressive nipples.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
