i will never coherently bang her
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
