It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
