getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
