Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
