I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
