Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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