I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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