I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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