How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
