i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
