i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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