he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
