I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
