meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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