I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
