I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
two words: eviction party
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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