I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
