i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need to calm my uterus...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
