Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Such a big mess for such a small penis
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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