Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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