New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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