census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
