Need sex. Gaining weight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
