Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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