I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
