remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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