I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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