He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
