Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
