i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
