Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
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just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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