Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
