you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
