i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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