she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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