We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize