please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
