did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
