upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
