Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
