last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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