I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
