DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.