I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
