Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
