At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize