i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
