Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
