You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
