Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
