I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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