if only i could text you this smell
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
