i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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