Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
