I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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