Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
