Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
