I just threw up on my dentist
Just cropdusted the office
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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