And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.