mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.