so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right