so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
