"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
